President elect Donald Trump announced today that he has bought Canada and Greenland as part of a buy one, get one free deal on Boxing Day.
“Today, we have purchased not one, but two sovereign territories to become the 51st and 52nd state in the great United States of America and I’m not even the president yet.”
Donald Trump told his supporters and the media at a hastily called news conference at Mar a Lago. “Justin Trudeau knows his time is up, so he agreed to sell the country to us if we promised to keep him on as a governor for a few years.”
“It was easy, really.” He continued, “Canada doesn’t have anything worth while on their balance sheet, not gold, nothing. We’re really just buying some debt to keep the country from collapsing. They’re all calling me their liberator, honestly. And for Greenland, I don’t think the Dutch liked it much but it was a package deal.” It didn’t seem to matter to him that Greenland is in fact owned by Denmark (the Danes) not the Netherlands.
“We plan to get their resources to market as soon as possible, starting with building refineries in Alberta and getting some pipelines built. It’s only what makes sense. And by virtue of instantly becoming Americans, Canadians will now have their tax burdens cut in half and be able to access 30-year mortgages and affordable houses.”
When we tried to get Justin Trudeau to comment on the breaking news story out of the US, he actively tried to avoid the media. When we finally cornered him outside of Rideaux cottage, his eyes darted back and forth like a scared animal.
“I didn’t expect Chrystia Freeland to quit when I fired her. Now there isn’t anyone left who understands how to run the country. I put Dominic Leblanc in charge of our debt for now until President Trump buys us out. Tell Canadians I’m sorry, but I’m in way over my head. Should I just mail everyone money to keep the peace?”
With a parting “This is all Pierre Poilievre’s fault!” Trudeau dashed into the cottage and slammed the door. We waited around for a while hoping he’d come out to answer more questions, but when the sound of sobs could be heard through a haze of smoke, we called Mr. Leblanc.
When we got his response of “I’m sorry but I have no knowledge of finance” we realized we got the first honest answer from this government in 8 years.
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